Nobody Knows me but my Dog

...and though this little quiz can tell you some of it.... there's still a ton you don't wanna know... lol.
QUIZ : Dawn's Drivel
Found this link in SINS journal (octoberoots, Tidbits ... thanks for the cool link) and you can make a quiz of your own when you're done. :)

Do not stand and weep

Most you have probably already heard, but for those who haven't, our dear friend Kat, who writes the AOL Journal entitled "From Every Angle" suffered the loss of her sister and nephew today in a car accident.

I have been sitting here, wishing I knew something I could do for her, and at a loss, because there is nothing.

I know Kat because I frequent her journal a great deal. She is a wonderful photographer, a sweet person, and has a gentle soul. My heart breaks for her.

If you get a minute and the inclination drop her line. I know from experience how much words can mean when you've lost someone.
Love ya Kat.

Do Not Stand and Weep

Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that swiftly blow.
I am the diamond glint on newly fallen snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the soft and gentle autumn rain.

When you wake from sleep in the early morning hush,
I am the swift, uplifting rush
of quiet birds in circling flight.
I am the soft, starlight at night.
Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there. I do not sleep.

Secrets and Confessions

Have you ever had a secret you wanted to tell someone but couldn't? Have you ever felt a burden lifted because someone else shared a secret you could relate to?

I don't have a lot of secrets. They are adverse to my garroulous nature. For me keeping a secret of my own is akin to holding my breath for ten minutes. Interesting concept... but it just won't happen.

I can keep other peoples secrets, strangely enough. I don't even blab things in my journal that I have promised to keep close to the vest when I know that nobody else will know who I am talking about.

But my own secrets... well, I am like a sieve and water. It just all comes pouring out.

Which is healthy I am told. There is a saying, "You are only as sick as the secrets you keep". I don't know how true that is, but I feel like fairly healthy individual.

In any case, a friend of mine introduced me to a website, or blog, called Post Secret. People send postcards to this fellow, created by the individual and inscribed somehow with a deep, dark secret they want to let out, and he posts it in his blog. Some of the stuff is sad, horrible, painful, and more. It's like watching a train wreck, you want to look away, but there's a part of you that looks anyway.

Some people have responded that the postcards have echoed a secret they themselves have harbored, and upon reading it, they felt release from as if from a large stone. I have had a gamut of emotions I don't quite know how to catagorize.

It's not a good site, it's not a bad site. It does have a lot of hard honesty on it. And like most journals it is an outlet for thngs someone else needs to share.
If you'd like to see it you can visit it at Post Secret.

My Boys Are Back!

Whoopie! My kiddos are back. Yeah, and though they like to pretend they didn't miss me, I noticed I got plenty of hugs and kisses yesteday evening without having to beg for them. I took this photo at the airport:


And though the photo isn't a good one, (I was nervous about using the camera at the airport, never know when someone is gonna say something to you about that kinda stuff) I gotta love it. I mean... I missed these two silly birds, ya know?


David is showing off his new book, Harry Potter's sixth installment, for which he stood in line four hours to recieve during his trip to Virginia. Logan is wearing new clothes, of which he is proud and showing off. Both boys seemed to have had a great time. They got to visit with thier sister Danielle, who lives in Houston and went to Virgina with them. They saw the beach, saw the sights, and drove their dad crazy. He got a mini version of what I deal with daily. lol.
My mother decided while the kids were gone that she wanted to take them somewhere on a holiday while they and she were young enough to enjoy the trip together. Afetr some mulling it over she decided to take them to Hawaii, and then decided she needed adult company so I get to go too. (YES!) I went when I was a child, so I know how wonderful this will be. I can't believe she taking us, the trip can't be inexpensive. I could never have afforded to go myself, much less take me and three other people. The trip is in September and we'll be staying here: Sheraton Moana Surfrider Hotel.


Well, I am going back to work. (yeah, I do that too) My work computer is acting nutz and I have to figure out how to fix it.

To be or not to be.... healthy.

I am on a diet. I have been on a diet of some kind or another since I was a teen. Sometimes a weight loss diet, some times a weight gain diet, sometimes a get-myself-healthy-because-I-haven't-been-eating-so-hot diet. Whatever.
I try and pay attention to what I eat, but I happen to love food. I don't much care what kind of food, it all appeals to me if it is done right. I am not largely over weight, but I have been, so I really watch my peas and carrots. At the moment I am trying to drop a few pounds.
My sister is deathly afraid of weight. She looks ill most the time, and we've spent years trying to get her to gain. While she believes us that she looks bad at this weight, she also can't get past the anorexic mentality that won't let her put on five pounds. I'd personally rather be chunky than too skinny.

Though what I truly want to be is healthy, at whatever weight I may be.

That's the true answer, isn't it? To be able to get out of your chair without groaning, and stand without hearing your knees pop like firecrackers. To not be malnourished, anemic, and prone to every virus and bacteria that wafts by. To know you can eat things that taste good and satisfy you, and at the same time know you are eating things that promote health and long life.
My father used to say he didn't want to live past 55. He's well past 60 now, and not saying that anymore. I don't think he ever meant he didn't want to live a long life. I think he just meant that he didn't want to grow old, if growing old means things like respirators, chronic pain, and the inability to enjoy the life he is living. When you're young you have no idea how short life starts looking when you get up in years. And it isn't necessarily that you don't have that many years left to live... it' how many healthy and productive years do you have left? I might live until I am eighty, but how great is that if my least 20 years is spent hurting so bad I am not happy living it?

I used to drink a lot. Partied with the best of them in my Navy days. Woke up damn near every weekend and lots of week days with a hangover. Eventually I began to rethink my ideas on "fun" and lowered my alcohol intake so that the next day wasn't so painful. Started drinking more water, eating before I went out, going to bed before the sun could rise. Not that I am not still capable of staying out and getting ripped like the rest of 'em, it just doesn't appeal to me anymore. The next day isn't worth the pain of instant gratification.

I guess what I am saying is that I treat all of life that way now. Except that instead of fearing the morning after I am watching out for the years after. Trying to give myself the ability to enjoy my golden years, should I be lucky enough to have any.

Long walks, lots of smiles, and healthy food when I can manage it.

And of course, I still enjoy the not so healthy stuff once in awhile.

Can't save all the fun for when I am eighty now, can I?

Marraige and Taxes

So, there's an article I read on AOL, (From USA Today) and the title read: AOL News - Divorce Drops, Along With Marriage The article caught my eye, because I am not married.
Brian and I have been "co-habitating" for about three years. My two boys and his two boys and one girl live with us. We've considered marraige, quite seriously, off and on since we moved in togehter. We both strongly believe in marraige, and want to be married. The report says that we fall in the 40% of couples who have kids and live together, part of a growing trend that suggests that the divore rate is dropping, but mostly because people are simply chosing to live together rather than marry at all.

The article doesn't go into why, perhaps, marraige is in the decline and cohabitation is on the upswing. It does mention that it's not a good thing for the kids, which I can believe.
For Brian and I the reason we haven't married is simple economics.
We both live so close to the cusp of "getting by" that every dollar counts. And we frankly can't afford the tax penalties of marraige. What we'd lose, in both taxes and benefits for our kids through the school system and the state, is not worth making it legal.

We went to an accountant a year or so ago and had him help us calculate what we'd lose, gain, and break even in. Getting married would cost Brian and I almost $5000 a year (rounding it off) and for a family our size with our income, that's devastating.

Sad, isn't it? We have a government and an administration that supposedly supports marraige and morality, families and children, and ecomomic growth. But the marraige penalities and costs of the same make it difficult if not impossible to hang on to what you have if you decide to "make it legal".

Our family is okay. Brian and I share so much love, and the committment is there even if the document isn't. Our kids know it, and so they have the security of a family, whatever the legal letter says about us. I'd like to think we were a better model for them, I'd like my children to marry rather than live together. But perhaps if they lear to commit, and stay committed, it is enough.

I don't see tax law changing any time soon, and I suspect, as the article says, that co-habitation is here to stay.

Crazy ...Crazy for feeling so Lonely....

Well, since my last dramatic entry my kids made it to Virginia.

We had to pay an extra $50 fee for David because he is only 10 and technically they won't let Logan be responsible for him, because he is 17. Their sister, Danielle, was supposed to meet them on a connecting plane (they are all flying together to see their Dad in Virginia) and Danielle is 18 so able to be responsible for David. The problem was that they didn't tell me they wanted Danielle to meet the boys at the plane when it landed, so she was at another terminal where the plane they were headed out on was waiting .

Logan called me from the airplane which had just recently landed and notified me that the attendants were telling him that he and his brother could not go to thier connecting flight and they wouldn't take David to meet Danielle. Logan wanted to know what he was supposed to do. I basically told they attendants thier options were to get david to Danielle, or take him home for dinner since I was in Albuquerque and could see no other options.

Needless to say, David got to Danielle and to Virgina with his siblings intact.

I am relieved.

The kids have called since to say they are having a blast, a fact for which I am so glad. Thier dad loves them, and it's an opportunity for bonding they all need.

I am alone at home these days, since the boys have gone Brian's kids are with thier mom for the week, and he is out of town working. I should be grateful for the peace, but I find myslef unprepared and lonely. Irrated with myself for not being the independant person I think of myself as being.

I am capable of hanging out with myself, just not thrilled at the prospect. I work all day in an office alone, rarely seeing another breathing body, drive home alone on a thirty minute ride that both soothes and rests me, and when I get home I am usually accustomed to having a modicum of human companionship.

In lieu of people, the past two nights I left my back door open so my five kitties could slip in and sleep with me.

I am quite sure I looked like the crazy old cat lady, draped with kittens while I slept on the couch. Alas, I fear I doomed to be just that if I react to being alone this way when I am older.
Geez. I need to get out and get a life.

::grins:: Ah well, I suspect the image of "crazy ole cat lady" will suit me.

Mood Swings

What a life I live. Balanced somewhere between sweet joy and never ending frustrations. I have something to be thankful for in that I have the balance anyway. My ex-husband used to keep a journal of sorts, almost a poetry book. He wrote one or two liners that used to express his feelings at the moment.

One of my favorites was:
"I am angry with my friend today.
At least I have a friend to get mad at."

I feel that way alot these days. Had a huge fall-out with my sister on my birthday and it's not a pretty scene these days Fighting with both of my kids school's over their IEP's and other issues. Car problems, hormonal problems, house is absolutely disgusting, and I am too tired to clean it, or care.

Blecccch.

This morning I put my two boys on a plane to Virginia to see their Dad. My youngest, David, was scared to fly because he is afraid of terrorists. I worked to calm and reassure him and not show my own echoing fear of the same. I can't change the way the world is, and I don't want my kids to be trapped by fear.

This is where I do the big sigh thing and grin kinda crooked.

On the other hand I have this great new camera, a Canon Digital Rebel XT, which I absolutely love. Got a nice package with it, including the EF-S 18-55mm f/3.5-5.6 Lens, a wide angle lens, three filters, a soft carrying case and a hard body case, a tripod, an extra battery, and a great extended warranty. I've taken over 1500 photos in the last few days, and over 600 of them were keepers. I am, as I have said before, obssessed.

Also, while I will miss and worry about my kiddos, I am glad to see them go somewhere. David has no memory of the ocean, and I want him to get out and see the world a little. Tonight they are going to this great seafood buffet in Virginia Beach that I used to love. Lemme tell ya, that's somethng for a mom to smile about.

Today the electric was shut off at work, so I have an excuse to go online at my mum's office, (hurray!) and enjoy myself a little.

There are reasons to have joy everywhere, I just have to stop for a bit and see em. :)
This is Kalikai, a sweet little girl who is affectionate beyond words:

Shutter-buggin' :)

Well, got my camera the day before my birthday (July 8th... I am now a grand ole 40 years old) and not a moment too soon! My sister and I had a luau/beach party themed bithday bash for the two of us (her birthday is right before mine) and I wanted the camera to have memories... and oua-la!





I am still digging through the photos of the party, so will share those later. For now I am gonna post a few of my new shots, (I am still getting used the the new camera, so it'll take awhile to get up to speed.... ) I can't tell you what a good time I have been having!

As always, insects find thier way into my lens. The fly was fascinting, and the Black Widow, while creepy, was lovely. I had a hard time letting Brian squish her, but my heebie-jeebies won out.
I have about 600 new photos, some which I am sure I'll share eventually, but for now I am gonna go looking at everyone elses journals. It's a workday, but I am gonna take an hour or so and just browse. Yup, yup, yup!

Singing :)

Do you ever just love a tune?

Here it in your head and wanna find the lyrics? I love this song... hear it in lotsa movies and decided to hunt the lyrics down.

Whoa.
LOL.

Strange lyrics.

Still love the song though...lol!

My grand-ma and your grand-ma were
Sit-tin' by the fire. -
My grand-ma told
Your grand-ma:
"I'm gon-na set your flag on fire."
--Chorus:Talk-in' 'bout, Hey now !
Hey now ! I-KO, I-KO, un-day
Jock-a-mo fee-no ai na-n?.
- Jock-a-mo fee na-n?.
-Look at my king all dressed in red.
-I-KO, I-KO, un-day.
I bet-cha five dol-lars he'll kill you dead.
--Jock-a-mo fee na-n?
(Repeat Chorus)
My flag boy and your flag boy were
sit-tin' by the fire.
- My flag boy toldYour flag boy:
"I'm gon-na set your flag on fire."
(Repeat Chorus)
See that guy all dressed in green ?
-I-KO, I-KO, un-day.
He's not a man;
He's a lov-in' ma-chine.
--Jock-a mo fee na-n?.--
(Repeat Chorus)
Iko Iko

Counting Down

Well, I've been away, and probably will be most of this week, because of a combination of grueling work hours, migraine headaches, and the fact that I keep over committing myself. Hopefully next week will see a normal activity load and I'll have more time for my journals. :)

I also ordered my camera, and hope to have it by Friday, so once I get acquainted with her I'll be dropping photos in here again. :) Thanks for the great comments and nice things everyone has said. I check my email by phone when I can't get online and it makes me smile. You'll never know how I appreciate it. Can't wait to have some time to visit everyones journal like normal.
I miss everyone out there... just in case you're wondering!

While I've been stuck at home with no camera and no internet I've been drawing and playing around. Here is my latest Mermaid, she needs work, but I need a break from her, she took six hours and I am gonna stop awhile. :)

Branching Out

I am missing my camera. Going bananas folks.

I moved to Sicily when I was 22 for three years. I was a young woman used to having a car, a phone, shopping malls, and nightclubs. When I got to Sicily I didn't have a car, a phone, and wasn't near anything that even resembled a nightclub or a mall. I had a television. Everything on it was, of course, in Italian.
It took six months for me to get fluent in Italian, a year to buy a car, I never had a phone. I found a nightclub or two my last year there, and never found a mall. So my first few months I had to change my life and think of new things to do. I couldn't veg out on the phone or the TV, so I had to go on walks, I made local friends, I discovered a whole new country because I had to.

It was good for me.

I guess this is good for me too, kinda. No camera, so I am branching out. I can't take pictures, so I am taking the photos I have and playing with them. I actually did some sketches in my drawing pad for the first time in a year this last weekend. Wow.

I have limited internet access too. None at home, just at work. And at work I hafta pretty much stay late to use it, because I am way to busy during the day. So instead of hanging out on the net and getting to do my journals ::sniffles:: I am on my laptop writing my stories, drawing, painting. It's been nice.

But if I don't get a camera soon I am going to go looney.

I hafta save a little more and I should have it soon. Buying a new digital.... have my eye on this Canon EOS Digital Rebel XT. ::drools::

When I get that bad boy I'll have no life... just losta photos of everyone else's life. ;) LOL.

This is a drawing/manipulation/photo that I worked up this weekend. Hours into this baby. I am not kidding. Not everyone likes it, but I just love it.

Makes me feel good looking at it. :)

Accomplishments

I am doing a painting for my mother and sisters office at thier business. I got commissioned to do it six months agao, and halfway through it I stalled out and ran out of energy. How's that for reliable? This, my friends, is why I don't like to make commitments. I am not always good on the upswing.

I do lots of creative stuff. I call myself an artist, and a photographer, but I am not sure there is really an appropriate one word description for how I see myself. I paint, I draw, I write, I take pictures and do pottery and little things I call clay doodles. I like weaving and making baskets, sewing, gardening, scrapbooks, making costumes, decorating my ouse, blah, blah, blah....
I like making things. It's a positive thing, creation. It's something I can do, and then look back at it and feel good about an accomplishment. Strangely enough I feel the same way about cleaning house. I can work at it for hours, listening to music or watching a movie sporadiaclly, nd when I am done I not only can see what I have accomplished, but I have made my surroundings a better place to be. How nice is that?

I submitted three pieces to be considered for an arts festival today. I haven't done anything like that in awhile. Two photos and one pencil sketch, and I am incredibly nervous. Partially because I am afraid they won't like my stuff, partially because I am afraid they will. If I get accepted it means I get a booth to sell my stuff at for three days during this Festival, which is all about food, music, art.... and I will have a lot of work to do to be ready. Talk about an opportunity for accpomlishment. Or self-recriminations. heh....

Ya know what I miss? a close friend, locally, whom I can share my interestes with. Like I used have when I was younger. When I had fewer responsibilites, more time, and the energy to blance multiple relationships. There's someoneout there, I know who wants the same thing. I hope to take a course at the University this Fall, who knows... maybe I'll meet her there?
What a meandering mess this entry has been. Not at all what I had expected. Ah well, that's me... a little of this and a little of that!

What makes you feel good? What lifts you when you need a lift? Any good ideas out there?

Crying to the Sky

Okay. I normally stay away from talking about bummer things here. But I hafta share, because I am so low today I have cried enough tears to create a rain forest in the Sahara.
I have these kittens, long story, but they all live under my porch. I have been trying (frantically) to find them homes, to no avail. Slowly but surely I have come to love every last one of them.
This morning I was late for work, and in a great hurry I backed out of the driveway. You can guess, I imagine, what happened.
I heard my 16 year old screaming at me and looked up, and here was one of my dear kittens flopping around madly in the driveway, obviously injured. My first thought was I had crushed a leg or something. Horrified I jumped out of the car and ran to where the kitten was and grabbed her up into my arms. She had a profuse amount of blood coming from her head, and one eye was popped out, part of her skull was crushed. She couldn't be saved.
If she could have been, I wouldn't have put her through that.
I won't go into more gory details, but we put her down. I bawled in the front yard for half an hour before they could make me bury her. I have relived every awful moment of it all day. If I had taken a photograph the image could not be clearer in my mind, and I am just broken to pieces.
She was just a cat, I know. I didn't mean to, I know. But she was a living, breathing, playful life which came to an awful end, and I can't get over the tragedy of it.
I will be okay. My kids will be okay. But I just needed to share how sad I am. Sometimes being an optomist doesn't keep the blues at bay.

The Biggest Little Things

Have you ever found yourself forcusing on the big things, and missing the little things? How's the saying go? "I can't see the forrest for the trees." I remember a few years ago I got a new pair of glasses and was in awe at what I had been missing. I have always loved the world, loved to see what was around me. But with the glasses came the utterly amazing revelation that it is possible to see individual leaves on the trees. They are not simply large green smudges on the horizon of my vision, looking for all the world as if they'd been painted with a sponge. I could see the individual leaves flutter in the breeze. I watched that first tree for thirty minutes. Then it was on to blades of grass, items in my own home, and the fine print on everything I could lay my hands on. Maybe that's another reason I am so fascinated by photography. My camera allows me to see things my eyes would miss by themselves. They allow me to see the world up close and tiny, to view details in a large way I'd normally miss. And the recorded image becomes a memory I can keep forever.



I wonder what I'd have the glory of seeing if I could apply that vision to everything? To not miss the fine details of those I love, friends I cherish, events I can live in for a moment to brief to catch a breath in? I have some fairly deep thoughts about my parenting the last couple of years, which I'll share when the opportunity arises.
Have any photos of something tiny you might have missed without a camera? Or a remembered moment when you took the time to focius on the details? Share em with me.... I'm in the mood to have my friends (this is you guys) relax with me and share the good things, the little things, that tower over the big things we sometimes focus on. :)

The World Beyond

This is a sketch I did when I used to live in Sicily. My husband was stationed there, this was after I had already gotten out of the Navy myself, and my son and I went there with him. It was a fabulous three years. I learned Italian, learned to cook the wonderful food, learned a lot of wonderful things. It made me appreciate a lot of things I hadn't before (like the price of American fuel, and having things like a washer and dryer and telephone in my home) and gave me a taste for things I hadn't had here (I miss the way everyone sat outside at night at talked to their neighbors, and outdoor mercados).
I want travel for my children. I love them and would miss them if they left (I miss them when they are gone for the night, much less living somewhere else) but as a parent I want what is best for them. And I truly believe that seeing more of the world you live in helps you grow and learn in a way nothing else can. We are more than a product of the neighborhood we grow up in.
I have family members that have encouraged their children not to go away on trips because it would be too far away. They managed to keep their family close to them, but at what cost?
My oldest boy, Logan, wants to go to Japan. He'd like to learn the language and the culture. If I could secure him a spot at a University there I would let him go tomorrow. It'd break my heart to say goodbye, but I'd be joyful at the prospect that he'd have that opportunity.
Aside from the fact that he'd get to see and do things, he'd have the opportunity to hear the views of others beyond his own borders and let them get to know him and his own values. We had a wonderful exchange student last summer from France, Aude. She loved it here so much she has a journal she calls I love America. How nice it would be if we could have more interaction with others and they could come away with that sentiment. My friends don't like me because I live in the same city or neighborhood. They like me because they got to know me, and vice-versa.
Travel also has the added bonus of opening your mind for possibilities. I think if my kids travel they'll come away with the sense that nothing is beyond their reach, be it another shoreline, or a career they wish to pursue. I can't think of a better lesson to teach them :)

Play Time

Play Big Or Stay Home!

My family plays hard. We wrestle, hike, camp, laugh ... huge. Heck, we're a family of seven. Can't do anything small at that size!

My buddy let me have a peek at his online photo album, and the photos from when he visited Spokane, Washington. I found this pic, which he claims was taken there at The World's Fair Park. (C'mon Michael.... I know YOU... you play big too... admit it... this is your backyard... ain't it! lol!)

Anyway, had to share... doncha just wanna slide? lol!

2003 - August Roadtrip photo" alt="rowan > 2003 - August Roadtrip photo" src="http://rowan.smugmug.com/photos/13226696-M.jpg" border="0" height="450" hspace="0" width="600">

Great Sites

Get your Hot Links Here!

I love surfing the web. I have a rediculous list of favorites both in AOL in Internet Explorer. I share my favorites fairly often, dropping them down in my journals and emails like crumbs left behind by Hansel and Gretel. What I share depends on my mood, of course. I have several journals, (I list them under other journals) each focusing on some facet of my life that is important to me. This one is the reflection of my life, and my family. My links tend to be family oriented here. My others focus on photography, writing, poetry, New Mexico and plain old Drivel.

So, since this is my family oriented journal I am going to share five websites that suit thefamily thing. And my current mood. :)

1) This is a fun page... simple, but surprisingly cool: imagiNation

2) I got this from someones elses Journal, and I am obessesed: Draw a Pig

3) This one needs speakers... but you'll love it: Singing Horses

4) I have used this site so many times, for so many reasons, that I should have a membership. Drop me a line if you need to know how to save yours: Tombstone Generator

5) This one needs java, but you can download it from the site. Plus, there's links to other cool stuff: Kaleidoscope Painter

And a link I think my mother would like? REI Adventures

Hmm... I think I am gonna have to do this in my other journals. It was too much fun!

Splendid Moments

Another quiet evening at home :) Keri, Mitchel, and Patrick are with their mom (Fridays are normally her nights) and both my boys are sleeping. (Logan in his bed, David is behind me curled on the couch.) The Dalmation is snuggled against my foot, a strategy, I believe, bent on ensuring that if I make a move to go anywhere he'll know it.

The only things I can hear is the hum of the heater, ( I have it on low, it's still a lil' nippy outside,) and the gurgle of the fish tanks. (We have three, a five gallon, and 55 gallon, and a 250 gallon ... all in dire need of cleaning.) I suspect that soon I will go bundle myself into the welcoming embrace of my bed and see if I can keep my eyes open long enough to read. Have I mentioned I love to read?

Brian is working tonight, but will be home around 4 a.m., and we'll sleep in tomorrow with any luck. I see him every day, we work together. I see him everynight when we come home. We spend very little time away from one anther. I am fine when he isn't here (Because I can do things like write in my journal and get some housework done,) but when he's gone for even a short time, I am very happy to see him again. He is soothing to my soul. Just thinking about him, his kind eyes, and the way he smiles at me, brings a smile to my face as I write this.

Am I corney, or what?

I can't help it. Whatever I may lack in material and monetary things seems insignificant in contrast to the joy this family has brought to me. :)

I know this poem (though I must admit, shame on me, I don't recall the author) that comes to mind when I think of Brian:

Not for the whole wide world I love thee,
Sweetheart, light of the land and sea...
The wide, wide world could not enclose thee,
For thou art the whole wide world to me.

Beautiful, is it not? If anyone has any poems, quotations, or little lines of their own to share with me about love, or those they love, I invite you to share them with me. :) Love shared goes a lot further than love kept to oneself. :)

Sick and tired of being sick and tired

It has been a difficult week, to say the least. We’ve all been sick, and just about the time we start to feel better it seems to mutate and pass itself around again. Uhg. Logan and Mitchel have both missed three days each of school this week, not to mention laying around like plague victims all weekend. Poor things.

Logan has been talking about getting a job again, since we have hope that his jeep will be in running condition and registered by this time next week. It’s hard at that age to work, balancing school and school work, family responsibilities, and his own needs (like Karate practice and just having some social time with his friends,) and then working ones butt off for next to nothing while an adult who seems to hate kids towers over them. I gotta give him credit, he knows what it will be like, but still wants to do it. When he’s working he deals with it stoically. I remind myself it is good experience for the future – real adult life often involves many of the same obstacles and downfalls as being a teenager. I just can’t help wish as a parent that I could help him find a job that would keep him working hard, give him a paycheck that made it worth feeling so worn out every night, and gave him the feeling that he was doing something with his time that he loved. Not that many employment opportunities for teens though, surprisingly enough to me.

Mitchel has also been considering work, though at 14 his options are even less than Logans. I think we’ve convinced him to consider yard work and odd chores in his grandmother’s neighborhood. It’s god honest work that can pay a decent wage when you do it right and motivate yourself enough. Mitchel is a hard worker, I think he could make a ton of money.

We’ve been having some issues with David, who has been crying and starting fights with everyone a lot lately. I don’t know if it is the illness,or something else, but it is evident he has something going on that worries me. Sometimes I wanna holler at him to just stop, but I know David well enough to know if he’s acting this way, something’s going on. The trick is to find out what the problem is.

Brian and I have been talking about getting married, we’ve been engaged almost two years now, and keep putting it off for one reason or another. (Paying taxes as a married couple is a bigone…. Yupyupyup….) I like the idea of being his wife, giving the kids something traditional to see and live around (marriage… the old-school thing to do) and I don’t much care about ceremonies and whatnot. Brian wants a ceremony, and he wants some financial stability so I won’t inherit his debts as his wife. Plus, the truth is, we can’t afford to be married for a dozen reasons that are more important than the paper that won’t make us any more committed or in love than we are now.

We’ve been thinking about summer vacations. Probably going to do the camping thing again at least once, and hopefully something bigger, like the Grand Canyon (which is sooo close) if we can manage the time and keep the kids in one place for a week during the summer. The trouble with five kids is that there is so much individual stuff going on it is hard to plan a group thing… ever.

*Thought for the day: How lucky I am to have such little worries as I do, when the bigger, scarier worries are not a part of my life right here and now. I resolve today to remember my blessings and be grateful for the love of my family.