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I've been away for awhile. I have come to the conclussion that this is part of my life, and that I can't count on things rolling along blithely or on time.

This is okay, for me anyway, I just have to acknowledge it. Makes my life easier when I don't over commit.

As always, photography has taken the drivers seat. I have a studio now, and the pace has picked up quite a bit. My photography is improving, my circle widening.

My health has been an issue, we thought for several months that I had cancer, and that scared the bejesus out of me. Happy day... I am just getting old. ;)

Life changes, it's a good thing. I recognize it, andI am working on flowing with it.

I am coming back to my blogs, I miss writing. Don't expect a great deal of depth from me, I am going to shoot from the hop and what you get will be what you get. :)

It's good to be here again :)

Sometimes places seem lonely, but they really aren't. :)
A place in your life that may feel deserted may actually be an opportunity.Peaceful, wide open, nothing but imagination.

Grumbling with a smile :)

So, let me tell you a little about how things are going on here lately. It's kinda one of those things where I think, "how lucky I am" one second, and the next I am thanking, "Oh my lord, can it get worse?".

I have been trying to get my photography business off the ground, and it has been going well, with the exception of not having enough time, having illnesses that slay me, customers who don't show up, shoots that go wrong and no studio.

Seriously. Last month it was a retro-virus that made it difficult to touch or hold anything. This month it is migraines that make me physically ill.

I am, however, doing better. My reputation is starting to get me fairly constant business, and some of my personal projects are really taking off. I have some projects I hope to send to a publisher next year, and it is finally starting to look possible. So, I tell myself daily that the stumbling blocks are challenges, and that I just need to put one foot in front of the other, because eventually it will pay off.

This, my friends, is optimism.

My kids are doing well. By this I mean we are happy, close, and have lotsa hope. Because I am in the process of contacting a lawyer to sue one school, I have another child who needs an after school program I can't find nor provide, and we are currently living in a home with no heat (no propane) and no water (turned off yesterday). We get internet access at my work, (day job where I am office manager) and very little else in the way of extras.

My oldest boy starts a job this weekend, and that will help. Hopefully some of my photo shoots will bring in enough to make ends meet. This has just been an expensive winter. Yet, I think how lucky we are to have cars, a house we aren't losing to bankruptcy, a family who loves one another, enough to eat, and our health.

Someone I care about a great deal is expected to pass away tomorrow or tonight from cancer. It is hard to say goodbye, but he's ready to go. He reminds me that what you have today is better than anything you can hope for tomorrow. Who can complain in the face of that.

I spend a lot of time on the internet. It's time away from things I can't solve, smiles in the face of adversity. Creativity and accomplishment when I feel stuck or in a rut.

Thanks to all my friends out there who let me be myself and don't begrudge me my wacko personality. I love you. :)

Grateful

I saw this photo and the first thought I had was "OMG.... who'd buy that thing?" My second thought was... well, that I would have just a few lonely years ago.



Being lonely isn't funny, though the props may certainly be. I can laugh at it now. Hell, I laughed at then quite often, but lonely was hard on me.

I spend a lot of alone these days, Brian works out of town about 20 days out of thirty. But thanks to how secure I feel in our relationship, and the fact that I have learned to enjoy my own company more than ever, I don't ache the way I used to all night long.

So, I am grateful. Thought I'd make a note of it and share. ;)

Magnet Poetry

I did some poems today for The Poetry Dance Hall, we're doing magnet poetry over there. I thought I'd spread 'em out over my various blogs so I could share 'em with all my friends.

Here's one of them:



It isn't as easy as it looks.... but it's fun! Try it if you like, and post them in your own blog!

I did this one at: Magnetic Poetry

The Skunk

For those of you who keep up with my blog (It's not that it's hard to keep up with... I never write in it much anymore because of the photograhy business, it's more or less boring these days) you may remember I mentioned a skunk under the building I work in.

The skunk was caught, and released, and my office now smells almost normal.

I thought I'd take a moment to share some pics. :)

Traveling is Good

This is a sketch I did when I used to live in Sicily. My husband was stationed there, this was after I had already gotten out of the Navy myself, and my son and I went there with him. It was a fabulous three years. I learned Italian, learned to cook the wonderful food, learned a lot of wonderful things. It made me appreciate a lot of things I hadn't before (like the price of American fuel, and having things like a washer and dryer and telephone in my home) and gave me a taste for things I hadn't had here (I miss the way everyone sat outside at night at talked to their neighbors, and outdoor mercados).

I want travel for my children. I love them and would miss them if they left (I miss them when they are gone for the night, much less living somewhere else) but as a parent I want what is best for them. And I truly believe that seeing more of the world you live in helps you grow and learn in a way nothing else can. We are more than a product of the neighborhood we grow up in.

I have family members that have encouraged their children not to go away on trips because it would be too far away. They managed to keep their family close to them, but at what cost?

My oldest boy, Logan, wants to go to Japan. He'd like to learn the language and the culture. If I could secure him a spot at a University there I would let him go tomorrow. It'd break my heart to say goodbye, but I'd be joyful at the prospect that he'd have that opportunity.

Aside from the fact that he'd get to see and do things, he'd have the opportunity to hear the views of others beyond his own borders and let them get to know him and his own values. We had a wonderful exchange student last summer from France, Aude. She loved it here so much she has a journal she calls I love America. How nice it would be if we could have more interaction with others and they could come away with that sentiment. My friends don't like me because I live in the same city or neighborhood. They like me because they got to know me, and vice-versa.

Travel also has the added bonus of opening your mind for possibilities. I think if my kids travel they'll come away with the sense that nothing is beyond their reach, be it another shoreline, or a career they wish to pursue. I can't think of a better lesson to teach them :)

Ewwww Du Toilette

I work semi-full time for a construction company as an Office Manager. Sometime several months ago we noticed a very icky odor coming from the bathroom area, which happens to be on one of the corners of the building. I assumed it was a plumbing issue, gases or something.

It smelled a lot like skunk, but we'd seen no skunk and have a concrete foundation, so I attributed the odor to bad construction and we've been trying to figure out how to overcome the disgusting smell.

It has only grown worse. AND since the warm summer months have flown by and the air has grown chilly, I have had to start shutting the doors to keep warm, inadvertently enclosing the smell in too.

In the last six weeks the insidious smell began to show up in my office, and in my closet. Not all the time, the smell is worse off and on, and almost non-existent at other times.

We finally decided it was a skunk, and have been making plans to get our hands on a trap or something. (We found a hole burrowed under the building, though we have yet to actually see the culprit.)

I wasn't in a hurry, I had semi grown used to the smell, and didn't know what other course to take than to hope fate would figure out a solution.

However, yesterday as I visited a client of mine (discussing photos they were to buy for their offices) someone noted out loud that they could smell skunk.

I froze, and tried to strangle the wail I wanted to make firmly in my throat before it could escape. Unsure if my fears were correct, I went to my sister shortly after and asked her to smell me.

Sure enough, I smelled of skunk.

She assured me it was mild and not too horrible. Needless to say I didn't feel a bit better.

Mortified I slunk back to my offices and called around until I found a city agency that would lend me a skunk trap.

No luck yet, the office is still as perfumed as it was yesterday, and because of it I will be going nowhere until I can go home and bathe and change.

I am still horrified. But this is how my life works, seriously.

Have I told you about my luck lately? It stinks.

Lyrics

Part of what spurred me to write that last entry was the way I feel this Christmas. Sad that so much has changed for me, and all that I can't share with my kids.

I know I can make it what I need it to be with the right attitude, and this beautiful song on my blog (below) by Faith Hill says it all splendidly.

For those of you who have interest, here are the words:

"Where Are You Christmas"

...

Where are you Christmas

Why can't I find you

Why have you gone away

Where is the laughter

You used to bring me

Why can't I hear music play

...

My world is changing

I'm rearranging

Does that mean Christmas changes too

..

Where are you Christmas

Do you remember

The one you used to know

I'm not the same one

See what the time's done

Is that why you have let me go

...

Christmas is here

Everywhere, oh

Christmas is here

If you care, oh

If there is love in your heart and your mind

You will feel like Christmas all the time

...

I feel you Christmas

I know I've found you

You never fade away

The joy of Christmas

Stays here inside us

Fills each and every heart with love

...

Where are you Christmas

Fill your heart with love

...

Confessions

I remember when I first realized I was parenting for everyone else but my children.

Doing what other people expected me to do because I was unsure of my own parenting skills, or afraid of what they might say if they disapproved of my own methods.

This led to some moments I am ashamed of. I am a good parent, and I don't have to allow other peoples opinions or beliefs change what I know is right for my children and me. I finally learned, but sometimes I wished I had learned earlier.

Like all things, I tend to not learn from my mistakes. It would be nice if I could take an experience and the lesson learned, and apply it toward another part of my life. But alas, I am a rock.

I have a confession.

I have been afraid to talk about the fact that I am a Christian.

Afraid that if I did that many of the people who I enjoy through reciprocated visits in blogs and journals and websites will be offended and not visit me anymore.

I am ashamed that I set my own beliefs aside because I hoped to have friends. The truth is that real friends will accept me even if they don't care for my beliefs, just as I do for them. I had forgotten this truth. It took me years to figure this out... elementary school was a nightmare for me, trying to make friends with kids who were too self-centered to be kind. Me trying to be what I wasn't for the sake of acceptance.

Acceptance isn't worth selling yourself out for.

So here it is. I am a Christian.

A hard-core, old fashioned Bible-thumping, God-worshipping, believer-of-Jesus girl.

I am proud of my beliefs. I don't press them on others, unless invited to do so. But neither should I have to hide them because someone else finds them offensive. I grew up in a world my children will never see. A world where cursing was unacceptable on television or radio, where porn and sex didn't belong in public, where Christmas was a time for celebration and good will toward all men and women, (Oh how I miss the decorations downtown and in the store windows! It was so cheerful!) and a time when respecting others was a good thing.

No, this doesn’t mean that I think if someone isn't Christian they are not good people. It doesn't mean I don't respect the religious beliefs of others (or lack thereof) and their rights to practice their own beliefs. It just means that I think there are a lot of people out there who hate religion, and Christians in particular, and have declared war on anything they don't like. The ACLU has wandered far past protecting the rights of others and charged into the practice of tramping over anything anyone wants to complain about.

My son claims to be an atheist and even he thinks it is all ridiculous. The other day he said, "Pretty soon it is going to be like we are in some Orson Wells book, everyone taking medication so we won't have any emotions and won't accidentally say or do anything to hurt anyone else’s feelings!"

Ah, anyway. Agree with me, or don't agree with me. Don't visit my blog anymore if you find me offensive.

It's okay.

I have a right to be myself, and who I am includes an undeniable part of me who loves God and is proud to be part of a wonderful group of people who call themselves Christian.

For those of you who will visit me anyway, thanks.

It's good to have real friends

Road Trip

I am driving to Roswell tomorrow. Depending on who you are it is either the site of where Aliens landed (and possibly still hang with the locals) or the dairy capital of the Southwest. (The governing body of Roswell doesn't care for the Alien thing... think they are in denial?)

Either way it is a long drive with little to see between. I am on my way to pick up my cousin and childhood playmate, Nicky. She lives there with her husband and his family, and is coming home to Albuquerque to be with family here during the holiday. Instead of her hopping a Greyhound I opted to have some one on one time with her.

I am taking my camera. I am not sure why. Perhaps I am hoping I will see some lone tumbleweed which has some characteristic that might make me famous. Or better yet... an alien. (Though the only type of alien I think I might find is the kind that comes from Mexico.)

No radio between here anbd there, so I will have plenty of time to ponder and create stuff in my head. That in itself is scary.

Roswell.

:)

Not that Cold Yet

Nope. It hasn't snowed here yet. This was last year, and at the time I loved it.

This year propane is ridiculously high and I can't afford to get the tank filled, so I worry. We certainly won't freeze, but that doesn't mean that comfort is in my future.

I had a friend once who would have griped at me that comfort is way too high a priority in my life. But ya know, I am forty now, and my bones already complain when it is warm. Imagining getting out of bed in a room that is below 30 degrees makes me wanna cry.

Call me a baby, but I am not repenting.

Reflections

Photo by Dawn Allynn

I just realized something. I thought I was bothered by this whole AOL thing, but I am not. Not for myself anyway.

My concern about what is going on with the ads bothers me because it is effecting the people I care about who journal in AOL, I know some people who are really bummed and dragged down by this whole thing. I know there was a time it would have floored me as well, so I can understand the reaction. As a loyal AOL Member for ... dang ... eleven years, I had a lot of emotional stuff vested in AOL for a long time. So I empathize with my friends, and hate to see the impact it is having on some of my buddies.

But for myself, I cannot say that this is a bad thing.

When I first came to AOL I was into Chat rooms, and role playing. After awhile the chat rooms became crude and the people in them were immature. AOL had decided to get rid of the chat room moderators, so people who like to start trouble had nothing to fear. Role playing was also invaded by the immature crude crowd who liked to jump in and start arguments for the sake of it. (Called flamers... it is best to ignore these guys, but not always easy to do.)

Later I belonged to "lists" where I traded graphics and tutorials and poetry and recipes with like minded people. Made lotsa fun friends. That was great for awhile, but like everything else, gets old after awhile. I only have so much room on my computer for all the cool stuff people can send me, and four hundred emails a day can grow tiresome.

Then I began participating in Forums... mostly the short story and poetry contests. That was a real highlight for awhile. But again, AOL decided to cut back and get rid of moderators, so the whole thing kinda went away.

I discovered journals about three years ago, and though I considered outside blogs, I decided to stick with AOL and go that route. I have been bothered by the fact that I am a paying customer, yet non-AOL customers could have journals for free. Now they are advertising on my journal.

At the prices I have paid for AOL it just isn't worth all of this frustration. Besides the constant cut backs and changes, I am always having posting issues, email that won't send or save, graphics that won't save in the right format. Billing issues, nasty customer service guys I can't understand on the phone, and software that frankly screws my computer up more with each upgrade.

I like these journals. I like the ability to manipulate HTML, and add photos easier, and have more of a say so about what goes in it and how it will look and sound and feel. I like that I have a wider group of people I can meet and who can visit and post. It's a challenge and an opportunity, and I am excited about it.

I am concerned I will end up here alone.

Yeah, that's true. Maybe I'll write here day after day and nobody will come visit, and that would be sad. But I have to think maybe I have made enough friends that this won't happen. And Lord knows there's lots of great new people out there I am looking forward to meeting.

In any case, I have never been the kind of girl to settle, and I was settling at AOL.

This will be good for me, I believe. Moving into any new home and neighborhood is scary.... but it always involves new doorways and new opportunities.

::grins:: I think maybe I'll have a housewarming after the holidays...lol. Anyone wanna come?

Busy Week

Photo by Dawn Allynn

I have been working on so much this week... wow... is it a wonder I have time to breathe?

I just got finished updating my new home for the Poetry Dance Hall, and I am still trying to move my other journals over to here. The money I will save leaving AOL will be nice. It's been a move that's been a long time coming, my journals were the last string holding me there.

I have been a member of AOL since 1994. Very odd to think of leaving now. But so much has changed. It's like living in the house you grew up in, except now there's a Mall and a Highway in your front yard, half of your friends moved away, and the property taxes went through the roof. Hard to keep investing in the same real estate when there's better looking housing just down the road.

::sigh:: Ah, everything changes, eh?

Other than the blogs, I have also been trying to catch up at work (not likely if I keep up this blogging) because I only work two days this week.

I also have a sick kiddo with me today. Poor little guy.

Getting ready to do Christmas Portraits for Customers this weekend and am trying to finish up the Gingerbread house backdrop I am creating for the photos.

Driving to Roswell Wednesday to pick up my cousin and bring her to town for the holiday.

Cleaning the disaster my house has become while I lay in bed off and on in the past two weeks with the flu.

Finishing up two websites I am creating for two customers which need to be done by the first of January.

And there's more... but I am just making myself anxious now...lol!

I am hoping to get this done and catch up with all my other journaling and blogging buddies out there. If one is you... drop me a line and lemme know where you're at so I can keep up with who I am supposed to visit where!

Insanity and heartache

I have been very low today.

An acquaintence of mine died yesterday, and his wife is in the hospital. Both shot during a break in by some people, for God knows why. He was a good guy. I mean, a really nice guy. Neither of them deserved this.

My heart is heavy. :(

RJ Schaefer
1938-2005

In the Beginning

So.

This is how it ends.

Photo by Dawn Allynn

And this is how it starts.

Everything before this entry was a post in an AOl journal. I transfered it over here because

I don't like the invasion of advertising AOL did with out asking me as because the blogs I am doing suit me better, and will save me money ( I am leaving AOL entirely in January) if you get a minute have a peek at the first one and leave a comment :) I'd be much obliged.

Making Adobe Photoshop Brushes

I love Adobe Photoshop. I have PSP but am not great with it, because I haven't spent as much time in it. I need to learn more of it because I have so much great stuff for it. I like Photoshop for doing things to photos, and I love it for graphics. I recently learned how to create my own brushes in Photoshop using scanned items and photographs. Here's some of my brushes and why I love them:

These are some of my "Birdstuff" Brushes. The collection isn't done yet... but I am having fun with it so far.



Using Layer options and style in Photoshop I enjoy changing the colors on my "brushes"... sometimes creating stand-alone graphics.


I use the brushes to make tags, sign photographs, put watermarks on photos and graphics, make art projects, and (of course!) to do cool thngs to photos. This is a mix of just brushes:


Anyway.... this is just stuff. :) Exciting to me, but all of my obsessions are.

I am NOT gonna start a new journal right now. But if anyone is interested in learning editing tips and tutorials, and exchanging brushes or anything, let me know and we can do it all here. Because ya know... it's all just Drivel! LOL!

(This next item... btw... is another obesssion. A poem type (Nonets) we're doing the next couple of weeks over at my blog Poetry Dance)

Photoshop is really fun for me.
I make stuff I don't have time for.
Who needs time? I am obsessed.
I dream in Photoshop.
I should see a shrink,
Do you know one
who might be
in J-
Land?

Reading

Some one sent me this in an email... you have probably seen it. It is worth sharing in case you haven't. :)


I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

Nutz

I'm nutz. Simply dingy. I have no time to myself. I am constantly overwhelmed and overworked. Yet I always volunteer to do one more thing I don't have time for. Or take up one more project I can't possibly commit to.

Crazy.

I am an over organized individual who likes everyhting in it's own place. I won't get into the borderline OCD issues I have... but they are there.

Proof of it lies in my journals, if you need proof.

I have many journals. Too many. One for photos. One for New Mexico. One for poems. One for my short stories. One for my blathering drivel (yeah, this one). One for a poetry group. One to keep in touch with old friends. And so on and so forth. It's rediculous. Like I can't do it all in one journal. Right?

Except I can't. I have to have it all sorted out nicely and organized. Heh. Fruity.
And if I needed proof it is nutz... then the urge I had today to start a new one should get me committed. Like I have time. Pffft!

I love Adobe Photoshop and Correl Draw and PSP. I love gradients, and styles, and masks and brushes. I like collecting and making and trading all of the above. So I thought...."Hey! I'll make a journal where I can exchange this stuff and have tutorials!" Like I said. Wacko.
No more. I am putting my foot down. I am gonna just have to fit something else into this journal. I amy not have time, but I already have the space. No point in making another journal. Sharing some graphic stuff now and then won't make this journal explode.

This stuff can be classified as drivel too, can't it?

Good to be back...

Hurrah! My kid is healthy again! (well mostly, but no more pneumonia) and I am almost caght up at work after weeks of missing stuff! Ad I almost have time to have a life again! WhooooHooooo!

::grins::

Somehow it almost feels like spring. Ahhhhhh.

What a freaking nightmare life has been. There was a highlight to things. I won a $50 gas card at a Festival my little kiddo had last weekend. No need to explain how valuable that puppy is.
Part of me feels exhausted.

Fall is here, which is good cause I like change, but I sure miss the colors of Autunm in other areas I have lived in. New Mexico tends to be brown year around. But if it is possible, it tends to get browner right about now. heh. Ah... but when Christams comes around and the decorating begins... watch out. This is a beautiful place to be!

Speaking of Christmas, is anyone else feeling a little pressure yet? I have five kids and other family members to shop for. I am the poster child for anxiety. It doesn't help that Walmart was already stocking Christmas stuff before Halloween was even a glimmer in my eye.
::sighs:: I guess ya just can't make me happy, can ya. ;)

Life is good. I am not complaining. I am glad to be here. Thanks ful for all the poeple who stopped by my various, neglected journals and left me notes of support and hellos. I haven't forgotten you. :) I'll drop by soon with notes of my own.

Here's a rainbow here in town a couple of weeks ago. I only caught the very end of it before it faded away, but it still makes me smile. Just like you guys do. ;)