Accomplishments

I am doing a painting for my mother and sisters office at thier business. I got commissioned to do it six months agao, and halfway through it I stalled out and ran out of energy. How's that for reliable? This, my friends, is why I don't like to make commitments. I am not always good on the upswing.

I do lots of creative stuff. I call myself an artist, and a photographer, but I am not sure there is really an appropriate one word description for how I see myself. I paint, I draw, I write, I take pictures and do pottery and little things I call clay doodles. I like weaving and making baskets, sewing, gardening, scrapbooks, making costumes, decorating my ouse, blah, blah, blah....
I like making things. It's a positive thing, creation. It's something I can do, and then look back at it and feel good about an accomplishment. Strangely enough I feel the same way about cleaning house. I can work at it for hours, listening to music or watching a movie sporadiaclly, nd when I am done I not only can see what I have accomplished, but I have made my surroundings a better place to be. How nice is that?

I submitted three pieces to be considered for an arts festival today. I haven't done anything like that in awhile. Two photos and one pencil sketch, and I am incredibly nervous. Partially because I am afraid they won't like my stuff, partially because I am afraid they will. If I get accepted it means I get a booth to sell my stuff at for three days during this Festival, which is all about food, music, art.... and I will have a lot of work to do to be ready. Talk about an opportunity for accpomlishment. Or self-recriminations. heh....

Ya know what I miss? a close friend, locally, whom I can share my interestes with. Like I used have when I was younger. When I had fewer responsibilites, more time, and the energy to blance multiple relationships. There's someoneout there, I know who wants the same thing. I hope to take a course at the University this Fall, who knows... maybe I'll meet her there?
What a meandering mess this entry has been. Not at all what I had expected. Ah well, that's me... a little of this and a little of that!

What makes you feel good? What lifts you when you need a lift? Any good ideas out there?

Crying to the Sky

Okay. I normally stay away from talking about bummer things here. But I hafta share, because I am so low today I have cried enough tears to create a rain forest in the Sahara.
I have these kittens, long story, but they all live under my porch. I have been trying (frantically) to find them homes, to no avail. Slowly but surely I have come to love every last one of them.
This morning I was late for work, and in a great hurry I backed out of the driveway. You can guess, I imagine, what happened.
I heard my 16 year old screaming at me and looked up, and here was one of my dear kittens flopping around madly in the driveway, obviously injured. My first thought was I had crushed a leg or something. Horrified I jumped out of the car and ran to where the kitten was and grabbed her up into my arms. She had a profuse amount of blood coming from her head, and one eye was popped out, part of her skull was crushed. She couldn't be saved.
If she could have been, I wouldn't have put her through that.
I won't go into more gory details, but we put her down. I bawled in the front yard for half an hour before they could make me bury her. I have relived every awful moment of it all day. If I had taken a photograph the image could not be clearer in my mind, and I am just broken to pieces.
She was just a cat, I know. I didn't mean to, I know. But she was a living, breathing, playful life which came to an awful end, and I can't get over the tragedy of it.
I will be okay. My kids will be okay. But I just needed to share how sad I am. Sometimes being an optomist doesn't keep the blues at bay.

The Biggest Little Things

Have you ever found yourself forcusing on the big things, and missing the little things? How's the saying go? "I can't see the forrest for the trees." I remember a few years ago I got a new pair of glasses and was in awe at what I had been missing. I have always loved the world, loved to see what was around me. But with the glasses came the utterly amazing revelation that it is possible to see individual leaves on the trees. They are not simply large green smudges on the horizon of my vision, looking for all the world as if they'd been painted with a sponge. I could see the individual leaves flutter in the breeze. I watched that first tree for thirty minutes. Then it was on to blades of grass, items in my own home, and the fine print on everything I could lay my hands on. Maybe that's another reason I am so fascinated by photography. My camera allows me to see things my eyes would miss by themselves. They allow me to see the world up close and tiny, to view details in a large way I'd normally miss. And the recorded image becomes a memory I can keep forever.



I wonder what I'd have the glory of seeing if I could apply that vision to everything? To not miss the fine details of those I love, friends I cherish, events I can live in for a moment to brief to catch a breath in? I have some fairly deep thoughts about my parenting the last couple of years, which I'll share when the opportunity arises.
Have any photos of something tiny you might have missed without a camera? Or a remembered moment when you took the time to focius on the details? Share em with me.... I'm in the mood to have my friends (this is you guys) relax with me and share the good things, the little things, that tower over the big things we sometimes focus on. :)

The World Beyond

This is a sketch I did when I used to live in Sicily. My husband was stationed there, this was after I had already gotten out of the Navy myself, and my son and I went there with him. It was a fabulous three years. I learned Italian, learned to cook the wonderful food, learned a lot of wonderful things. It made me appreciate a lot of things I hadn't before (like the price of American fuel, and having things like a washer and dryer and telephone in my home) and gave me a taste for things I hadn't had here (I miss the way everyone sat outside at night at talked to their neighbors, and outdoor mercados).
I want travel for my children. I love them and would miss them if they left (I miss them when they are gone for the night, much less living somewhere else) but as a parent I want what is best for them. And I truly believe that seeing more of the world you live in helps you grow and learn in a way nothing else can. We are more than a product of the neighborhood we grow up in.
I have family members that have encouraged their children not to go away on trips because it would be too far away. They managed to keep their family close to them, but at what cost?
My oldest boy, Logan, wants to go to Japan. He'd like to learn the language and the culture. If I could secure him a spot at a University there I would let him go tomorrow. It'd break my heart to say goodbye, but I'd be joyful at the prospect that he'd have that opportunity.
Aside from the fact that he'd get to see and do things, he'd have the opportunity to hear the views of others beyond his own borders and let them get to know him and his own values. We had a wonderful exchange student last summer from France, Aude. She loved it here so much she has a journal she calls I love America. How nice it would be if we could have more interaction with others and they could come away with that sentiment. My friends don't like me because I live in the same city or neighborhood. They like me because they got to know me, and vice-versa.
Travel also has the added bonus of opening your mind for possibilities. I think if my kids travel they'll come away with the sense that nothing is beyond their reach, be it another shoreline, or a career they wish to pursue. I can't think of a better lesson to teach them :)

Play Time

Play Big Or Stay Home!

My family plays hard. We wrestle, hike, camp, laugh ... huge. Heck, we're a family of seven. Can't do anything small at that size!

My buddy let me have a peek at his online photo album, and the photos from when he visited Spokane, Washington. I found this pic, which he claims was taken there at The World's Fair Park. (C'mon Michael.... I know YOU... you play big too... admit it... this is your backyard... ain't it! lol!)

Anyway, had to share... doncha just wanna slide? lol!

2003 - August Roadtrip photo" alt="rowan > 2003 - August Roadtrip photo" src="http://rowan.smugmug.com/photos/13226696-M.jpg" border="0" height="450" hspace="0" width="600">

Great Sites

Get your Hot Links Here!

I love surfing the web. I have a rediculous list of favorites both in AOL in Internet Explorer. I share my favorites fairly often, dropping them down in my journals and emails like crumbs left behind by Hansel and Gretel. What I share depends on my mood, of course. I have several journals, (I list them under other journals) each focusing on some facet of my life that is important to me. This one is the reflection of my life, and my family. My links tend to be family oriented here. My others focus on photography, writing, poetry, New Mexico and plain old Drivel.

So, since this is my family oriented journal I am going to share five websites that suit thefamily thing. And my current mood. :)

1) This is a fun page... simple, but surprisingly cool: imagiNation

2) I got this from someones elses Journal, and I am obessesed: Draw a Pig

3) This one needs speakers... but you'll love it: Singing Horses

4) I have used this site so many times, for so many reasons, that I should have a membership. Drop me a line if you need to know how to save yours: Tombstone Generator

5) This one needs java, but you can download it from the site. Plus, there's links to other cool stuff: Kaleidoscope Painter

And a link I think my mother would like? REI Adventures

Hmm... I think I am gonna have to do this in my other journals. It was too much fun!

Splendid Moments

Another quiet evening at home :) Keri, Mitchel, and Patrick are with their mom (Fridays are normally her nights) and both my boys are sleeping. (Logan in his bed, David is behind me curled on the couch.) The Dalmation is snuggled against my foot, a strategy, I believe, bent on ensuring that if I make a move to go anywhere he'll know it.

The only things I can hear is the hum of the heater, ( I have it on low, it's still a lil' nippy outside,) and the gurgle of the fish tanks. (We have three, a five gallon, and 55 gallon, and a 250 gallon ... all in dire need of cleaning.) I suspect that soon I will go bundle myself into the welcoming embrace of my bed and see if I can keep my eyes open long enough to read. Have I mentioned I love to read?

Brian is working tonight, but will be home around 4 a.m., and we'll sleep in tomorrow with any luck. I see him every day, we work together. I see him everynight when we come home. We spend very little time away from one anther. I am fine when he isn't here (Because I can do things like write in my journal and get some housework done,) but when he's gone for even a short time, I am very happy to see him again. He is soothing to my soul. Just thinking about him, his kind eyes, and the way he smiles at me, brings a smile to my face as I write this.

Am I corney, or what?

I can't help it. Whatever I may lack in material and monetary things seems insignificant in contrast to the joy this family has brought to me. :)

I know this poem (though I must admit, shame on me, I don't recall the author) that comes to mind when I think of Brian:

Not for the whole wide world I love thee,
Sweetheart, light of the land and sea...
The wide, wide world could not enclose thee,
For thou art the whole wide world to me.

Beautiful, is it not? If anyone has any poems, quotations, or little lines of their own to share with me about love, or those they love, I invite you to share them with me. :) Love shared goes a lot further than love kept to oneself. :)

Sick and tired of being sick and tired

It has been a difficult week, to say the least. We’ve all been sick, and just about the time we start to feel better it seems to mutate and pass itself around again. Uhg. Logan and Mitchel have both missed three days each of school this week, not to mention laying around like plague victims all weekend. Poor things.

Logan has been talking about getting a job again, since we have hope that his jeep will be in running condition and registered by this time next week. It’s hard at that age to work, balancing school and school work, family responsibilities, and his own needs (like Karate practice and just having some social time with his friends,) and then working ones butt off for next to nothing while an adult who seems to hate kids towers over them. I gotta give him credit, he knows what it will be like, but still wants to do it. When he’s working he deals with it stoically. I remind myself it is good experience for the future – real adult life often involves many of the same obstacles and downfalls as being a teenager. I just can’t help wish as a parent that I could help him find a job that would keep him working hard, give him a paycheck that made it worth feeling so worn out every night, and gave him the feeling that he was doing something with his time that he loved. Not that many employment opportunities for teens though, surprisingly enough to me.

Mitchel has also been considering work, though at 14 his options are even less than Logans. I think we’ve convinced him to consider yard work and odd chores in his grandmother’s neighborhood. It’s god honest work that can pay a decent wage when you do it right and motivate yourself enough. Mitchel is a hard worker, I think he could make a ton of money.

We’ve been having some issues with David, who has been crying and starting fights with everyone a lot lately. I don’t know if it is the illness,or something else, but it is evident he has something going on that worries me. Sometimes I wanna holler at him to just stop, but I know David well enough to know if he’s acting this way, something’s going on. The trick is to find out what the problem is.

Brian and I have been talking about getting married, we’ve been engaged almost two years now, and keep putting it off for one reason or another. (Paying taxes as a married couple is a bigone…. Yupyupyup….) I like the idea of being his wife, giving the kids something traditional to see and live around (marriage… the old-school thing to do) and I don’t much care about ceremonies and whatnot. Brian wants a ceremony, and he wants some financial stability so I won’t inherit his debts as his wife. Plus, the truth is, we can’t afford to be married for a dozen reasons that are more important than the paper that won’t make us any more committed or in love than we are now.

We’ve been thinking about summer vacations. Probably going to do the camping thing again at least once, and hopefully something bigger, like the Grand Canyon (which is sooo close) if we can manage the time and keep the kids in one place for a week during the summer. The trouble with five kids is that there is so much individual stuff going on it is hard to plan a group thing… ever.

*Thought for the day: How lucky I am to have such little worries as I do, when the bigger, scarier worries are not a part of my life right here and now. I resolve today to remember my blessings and be grateful for the love of my family.

Notes and Friends :)

I had a friend wayyyyy back when I was in the Navy, a guy by the name of Joseph Blair. Joseph was a pretty good guy, and I ended up nicknaming him Joseph Bear, or JoeBear. (I had a teddy bear obsession.) I lost touch with JoeBear for many years, but we found one another last year, onlne. (long story, one I will tell another day...)Anyway, recently JoeBear kinda quit emailing or doing IMs for awhile... partially because of the Hurricanes. (he was in Florida when the bad ones came through.)
The other day I wrote him a quick poem... kinda a "where are you" poem. he wrote back. Here's the emails....

Mine:
Hiya Joe-Bear!

How are you?

I miss our conversations!

Our little quips, and limericks,

and other annotations....

I'm hoping soon you'll find the urge

to write me notes again,

So I won't pine from sad neglect

and missing my dear friend. ;)

~Dawn

His:
It is nice to see
my dear, young friend
that your psycic powers
do not end.

Was thinking of you
just yesterday
and how we use to laugh
and play.

A teasing touch
a warm little smile
that has been missing
for too long a while.

Your timing was perfect.
Smooch

Parenting vs Friendship?

Parenting has never been easy for me. Balancing my friendly relationship with my kids, without crossing into that blurred area where they see you as buddies and not parents.

I love my relationship with Logan. It's open, honest, funny, friendly. I really like him. He likes me too, and we respect each other. We also have established a boundry where he knows to cross it means my wrath and punishment. I expect respect. I expect that my trust in him will be rewarded with honesty and a lot of work on his part to do the right things.

Sometimes he crosses that line. Of course, hello. He is only sixteen. And though seventeen looms just a few weeks away, that doesn't mean he won't do stupid things. Nope. If anything it means that the volatile mix of hormones, boyish pride, and a desire to be a grown man, will press him to do a great many more dumb things than I've even thought about being concerned over so far. Take that explosive batch of goodies and mix it in with his other friends, and peer pressure... and KABOOM!

Yeah. It happens. I am not a huge believer in beatings. I have spanked on occasion, but find it less effective than losing what is important to my kids. Hit them and they cry, scowl, and the only thing they remember about the incident down the road is that you hurt them. Take the Playstation, the television, the right to see their friends, and before too long they are pleading for mercy. Mine have begged for the short term kindness of a beating over the consequences I lay down instead.

Tonight Logan and I had one of those sessions. One of those... "oh wow, this was incredibly bad, now what do I do" evenings. He expected me to have a meltdown. Instead we had a discussion, and I took a great many of his privileges from him. At first he thought he'd gotten off easily, then about an hour later he really thought about what my edicts meant to his freedoms, and he slumped into a minor depression. Half an hour after that he told me it was difficult because he knew he deserved it, knew I had been considerate and fair in my punishment. And now he was feeling bad because he realized he was the only one to blame, and he'd let me down.

I could not have choreographed a better ending to the evening. It was the response I'd hoped for. It doesn't always work that way, but when it does it's awesome.

I often wonder how other people deal with their kids, and if my relationship with my kids is unusual or not. From the way my boys talk about their friends parents, we have a really good thing here. But it's a big world out there... lotsa parents we've never seen.

It is late, and my confrontations have wearied me. Perhaps I'll dream of a vacation... something soothing I can't afford right now. :)

Biography of a family

How it works

Brian and I live in the East Mountains near Tijeras, New Mexico. I have full custody of Logan and David, who's father is in Virginia and sees them when he can. Brian shares custody of Keri, Mitchel, and Patrick with his ex-wife. Brian gets his kids Thursdays, Saturdays, and Sundays. Logan and Keri have drivers licenses and cars, though Logans is broken down at the moment. The ability of them to drive help hugely. The other boys, Mitch, Pat and David, get dragged around by whoever has the keys to the car.

Logan is the oldest, he'll be 17 in May. He's into Karate in a huge way. He took first place in his division last year at Nationals. He wants to work, and used to, but can't right now because he has no transportation until we get his Jeep working again. (It was stolen in January and when we got it back, it was damaged.) He goes to a Charter school in Albuquerque, a performing arts school where he is doing alot of dancing this year. (He enjoys old fashioned swing dancing like the did in the 30's and 40's, and has been doing Tango lately. This makes him quite popular with the girls.) He's independant, honest, funny. He's as responsible as I can expect him to be at 16. He has been diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) since he was seven years old, but has learned to manage it fairly well in the last couple of years. He has a large sense of honor and what is right, and a sense of humor that cracks me up even when I ought to be scolding him. He's easy to be around, and easy to like. Logan has a great relationship with me, and semi-easy relaionship with Brian and a father-like relationship with David. Logan and David room together. He gets along with Mitchel and Patrick most the time, (typical brothers) and he and Keri are off and on friends, depending on which way the wind is blowing.

Keri is the next to the oldest, she'll be 17 in July. She works at a pizza place a few days a week, and is in ROTC at school. She has won sharp shooter medals, and places well in competitions. She's a sports fanatic, and plays when she can. Academics are not her favroite, but she works to keep good grades because of her goals. She has a boyfriend, Shaun, and they've dating for about a year now, and spends a great deal of time with him. We see Keri the least around here, she's indepedant, and stays busy with things she does between school, work and friends. We've been working on improving our time with Keri, hoping to entice ehr to want to spend more time with us. She has a Good relationship with Brian, and uneasy one with me (we argued in January, and things have been tense) and she and Logan seem to be best of friends one moment and enemies the next. The other three boys seem to equally share the Titles of annoying little brothers.

Mitchel turned 14 in February. He is emotional, and he takes everything to heart and is either moody or happy. He took up guitar and seems to enjoy it. He likes the company of others mostly, and can entertain himself for hours watching movies with family if allowed to vegitate. He loves hunting (as do all of Brian's children) and building things, and he enjoys tearing things down. He has trouble in school, but that is almost always because he won't turn in homework. Friends and girls are big on his list of most important things. He tries to be friends with Logan, rather than brothers, yet has a competitive thing going with him. (He's always trying to prove he's bigger or stronger). He is close to Brian, and him and I get along well. He fights with Keri more often than not, though he loves her. He and Pat room together, and get along well as long as Patrick respects the fact that Mitchel wants to be in charge and in control.

Patrick will be 12 in July. He is outgoing, and though he isn't quite sure of himself yet, he's trying to define his own personaility. He plays guitar very well, and loves it. He is girl obsessed, and will talk for hours on the phone if someone doesn't intercede. He likes spending the night with his Granma Wanda on Saturdays (Brian's mom) so he can go to church with her on Sundays. Patrick is a bit of a slob, but will happily clean up anything you point to without much discussion. he tries hard to be amiable and helpful. He is very close to Brian, and tries to spend as much time with him as he can. Patrick and I get along very well. He likes Logan a lot, and enjoys sparrring and wrestling with him. Keri tends to take a motherly role with him, and he seems to be okay with it. He is fine with Mitchel and seems to have declared a truce by staying out of his way mostly. He and David are good friends, and play together alot. They fight now and then, but it is over as quick as it starts.

David turned 10 in February. He is one of the smartest kids I have ever met, and loves learning the way lots of kids like watching television. He is an avid skateboarder, and is obessed with games of all kinds. He get's angry easy, and reacts to frustrating situations too often by arguing, and often escalates into tantrums. He has been diagnosed with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD). He also has asthma, and gets frequent migraines. His friendships are important to him, but because he is so easy to frustrate his is often the target of mean kids. If I could give David anything, it would be the ability to be easier in the relationships in his life. He is a sweet, loving kid who reacts rather than be proactive, and it hurts him. David gets along very well with Brain, and treats him like a father for the most part. He and I have a great relationship. David sees Logan as half brother and half dad, and works hard to please Logan. David Loves Keri to death, and spends every minute he can with her. David seems to sense Mitchel finds him annoying, and I think he eggs it on. David likes Pat a great deal and has a good friendship with him.

Brian will be 39 in September, and is a very old fashioned kind of guy. I will be 40 in July, and I am quite a bit more liberal than he is, though I have some conservative leanings. Brian is a quite fellow for the most part, talking only when he really has something to say, where as I can talk for hours about virtually nothing. We've both been divorced, and had some hard times. We both see committment as absolute. We have similar values when it comes to family, home and religion, but often stray widely when it comes to politcis, cultural issues, his ex-wife. Anything that comes on the news is often fair game for hot debates. We grew up differently; Brian had s stable home with married parents, church, and lived in the same house until he grew up and got one of his own in the same town. I came from a family of multiple divorces, a tons of relocations, and a lot of trauma. Wherever we came from in the past, we both are in the same boat now. We both believe in family first. We believe in God, share most of the same morlas and values, and care about people. Throughout the day we frequently hug and are grateful we found one another. We will have difficulties and problems as long as we're together, I am sure. But I am equally as certain be together as long as we both live.

This family wasn't contrived, planned, or predicted. We stumbled on each other, fell in love, and we do whatever we have to do every hour of every day to make it work. That's what love and Family are about.

What makes it work

It's been two years and six months since I met Brian. Wow. I only can tell because the kids are so much older. My love for the man is stronger and deeper than ever. We are such a good thing together.

Are there hard times? Oh yeah. We squabble, the kids squabble, sometimes things get icky. That fairly normal though, and we get through it. I worry alot, that the kids won't always get all they need (money is stretched tight when ya got five kids) and that something might happen to break up my dream that I wake up living every day.

But that's normal too.

I make my share of mistakes, we all do. But we live through em, and grow stronger and wiser, and usually closer, because of the bumps.

If I could wish the people I know one good thing for thier lives, it would be the love I have in my life. This is the kind of love that makes money seem insignificant, illness manageable, hardships an adventure. This family is the air I breathe, the heart that beats in my chest, and every hope and dream I have ever dared wish for.

Goodbye, John Ronin

I was going through some of my old stuff today, and came on this. I wrote it in October of 2003 when a very good friend of mine died. I wanted, needed, to talk about the feelings and memories I had, some lessons I needed to learn, and to share those with others. I decided to post this in my journal, because the lesson is still a good one. And my friend John Ronin is worth remembering over and over again.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

My heart has joined the Thousand, for my friend stopped running today.

-- Richard Adams, Watership Down

Some years ago the man who was my husband had a tragedy occur. His brother, David, died unexpectedly. My husband was devastated, because he had not had the opportunity to say goodbye. He felt that he’d left things unsaid, loose ends that he couldn’t take care of. His heartbreak taught me a lesson.

My sister and I hadn’t spoken much in the years the previous few years before my brother-in-laws death. We’d had an argument, and we were both still too hot to let it go, or too self absorbed to be the one to let it go first. A couple of days after the passing of David I called my sister and told her I loved her. It was a nice phone call. And it wasn’t the last I made. Realization of life’s fragile promise encouraged me to call her frequently, and to forge a new friendship I hadn’t had with her before. We are best friends today. As a matter of fact, I called almost everyone I had lost touch with in my family, and attempted to reach old friends as well. Things have been better in my relationships since then.

I had learned my lesson and that lesson has been one I have kept close in the last six years. But I guess I hadn’t learned it well enough.

Last week a friend of mine was struck by a car and killed. His name was John, and he was as nice of a guy as anyone could ever know. I have had a lot on my mind recently, so the last month or so when I saw John I chatted with him, but was always in a great hurry. You see, John liked to talk a lot, and it was hard to escape once he started gabbing. I always figured I’d make time for him later, when things were smoother in my life. But we can see how that worked out. John left some words for mewith a friend, the week before he died. I was sick so he couldn’t get in to see me. He was grateful, he said. I had done a lot for him.

I wish I had let John know how lucky I was to know him. John was quiet, and yet he could talk your head off. He was sweet, funny, and liked to smile. He had new teeth and was so proud of them. (Everyone should have had the pleasure of seeing John smile.) He took his work very seriously, and had pride in what he did. He liked to help other people, and he always worried about his friends. He was honest, determined, and had a lot of trust in those around him. He didn’t know anyone that held a grudge with him, everyone liked him, and he made people smile. I’ll miss him.

A lot of people will miss him.

Unfortunately the lesson I thought I had learned with David slipped when it became important. But isn’t that how it always is?

I urge you, if you have a friend or family member that you have something to say to – say it now. Don’t leave anything unfinished. It’s been said before, but it’s worth saying again. Regrets are bitter candy to carry with you.

Goodbye John. I am glad I knew you.

~Dawn

Accept the pain, cherish the joys, resolve the regrets; then can come the best of benedictions - 'If I had my life to live over, I'd do it all the same'. --Joan McIntosh

Don't be dismayed at good-byes. A farewell is necessary before you can meet again. And meeting again, after moments or lifetimes, is certain for those who are friends. --Richard Bach

The Optimist and the Pessimist

I write a lot about my good outlook on life.

I am, in general, a happier and more satisfied person than many people I know because I tend to be an optimist. Yet, days like today I have to acknowledge that much of my cheer is related to my use of my rose-colored glasses.

Yes. I admit it. I am one of them.

I am one of those people who refuse to see the truth, who only pays a great deal of attention to what suits me. (Which happens to be, most of the time, only that which will not cause me stress.)

I am, alas, a person who refuses to live in reality. If I cannot do anything about a problem, I ignore it as much as possible. I am admitting this, because today I have some "issues" that refuse to be ignored at the moment, and I am experiencing a high level of "ack". No more happy Dawn... heh. Yeah, well, maybe that's not true either, since I am not crying, yet. I still have hope.

Hope is a good thing ya know? Taxes are my ailment this fine afternoon. As you know, you can't really ignore taxes. Well, you can ... but the consequences can be heavy handed enough to knock the glasses off your face ... rose-colored or otherwise. I may be oblivious, but I am not stupid. While I ignore what I can while I can... I don't leave things to stew that may ruin my life when I finally choose to beam down to planet Earth for a visit.

It's not usually a bad thing, my proclivity towards ignorant bliss. I am careful to what parts of my life I apply it (as in taxes, for example) and I am easily roused from my complacency. (Do something to one of my kids ... watch how fast I care...) I learned to ignore, forget, and let go, through my own experiences.

As a young person I used to make lotsa mountains out of very few molehills. I had the Scarlet O'Hara Syndrome. ("Oh, poor me") Later, as a young adult, I had the misfortune to be part of some very bad experiences, which eventually I will relate sooner or later one-by-one, as they often are the cobwebs you'll find in my "attic". I discovered that crying, worrying, anxiety, and other reactions I had to focusing on the problems or events in my life (or the lives of others around me) led to very few solutions.

What I learned is that I don't have to be miserable ("Pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional" ...don't know who said it ... but boy is it true...) and that looking for the good stuff around me is ultimately the better way to go. ("Enthusiasm is the electricity of life. How do you get it? Act the way you want to feel." .)

So ... all that said... I feel better now. I vented. The Tax-Anxiety-Boogyman has left the building. Whew. So ... gonna close this one today with an appropriate joke... hope you enjoy, and appreciate it. :)

The Optimist and the Pessimist

Some Psychiatrists decided to do a study on optimists and pessimists. They found two children; the first who was always looking on the brought side of things, the second who had a talent for finding the negative side every time.

They took the pessimist to a room full of toys and treats. Every toy you can imagine, and more yummy goodies than any child can possibly consume. They ushered him in the room, then shut the door.

They took the optimist to a room full of horse poopand a signgle chair in the center of the room. (yeah, again I am using the nice words) There they left him and shut the door.

After several hours they went to the room where they had left the pessimistic child. Opening the door, they found him quite sullen and sitting quietly. "Why are you not playing with the toys?" They asked. "They are not my toys," the boy replied, "I would probably just get into trouble. Besides, who wants to play with toys you can't keep?" The doctors shook their heads at such a negative attitude.

They then went to the next room, where the optimistic child had been left. When they open the door, what a surprise! The child had the chair in both hands, upside down, and was using it to sling the dung everywhere!"What are you doing?" The doctors cried out in amazement...

The boy looked up, grinning from ear to ear, "I'm digging! With all this horse poop, there's gotta be a pony in here somewhere!"

The moral of my story folks? In the long run, the pessimist may be right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip! ;)

Digging In

The business I work for is in the process of a geographical move. New office, new warehouse, all the way across town. Last night a friend of mine, Michael (who is a technological genius) came to the new office to give me a hand with some things and mentioned that he coldn't count the number of offices he had seen me in since he met me about six years ago. I hadn't really thought about it, but realized that he was right. I have probably had eight offices and four jobs just in the past six years. Egads.

I know enough about myself to see that I move around alot. I have done so much of my life. I've lived in twelve states, two countries, and nineteen cities. My son pointed out Easter morning that in seven more months we will have tied our longest stint in any one house: three years. Sounds awful, huh? Part of it is from my military days, we moved alot because of the Service. Part of it during my own childhood was from having parents who were divorced and both moved a great deal. Part of it was because of my own nasty divorce, which made it hard to stay anywhere long if I wanted to make ends meet.

For awhile times were very tough.

We don't feel much sorrow at our shallow roots of the past. The ones we have now are planted firmly enough, and we've no intention on moving anywhere, unless we win enough money to buy a ranch or something. It's been hard sometimes. Knowing the people we meet might be far away in a year or two. Trying to hang on to pets and find new homes that will let us keep them. Being in a new town with no support. But for everything we've lost there is another we've gained. Our past made us who we are, and we all know enough (even my kids) to feel like we're lucky to have the experiences.

Moving doesn't frighten us, I think either of my own two boys could go off to school tomorrow and feel unafraid and ready to face any challenge that meets them. We've learned to make friends quickly, learned to let go when we need to, and learned what among of of our possesions we cannot do without. My children have the ability of knowing that if they want anything anywhere they can go get it. Travel isn't a dream for them, it is a reality. And these days, we've chosen to settle. We're part of something bigger... a family, a culture, and a history we're making for ourselves. I think that, for me, traveling will be something I do for vacation and work, but my home will remain here in New Mexico.

Not bad, I think, the life I've lived. :)

Life and the Books I've Lived In

I am a lucky individual.

My life has been a beautiful mix of reality and fiction. I am an avid reader, and by my fourth year of high school I had read most of what the library had to offer. When I read, books cease to be pages with words, and become doorways to experiences that are often so real to me they become like a memory of a real experience.

Through books I have traveled the world, sailed the oceans, seen the vast reaches of space, lived in both abject poverty and incredible riches, felt the glory of magic at my fingertips and made some of my best and most loved friends. I have met such wonderful people: Socrates, Gandalf, Michelangelo, Jesus, Gorbachev, Morgana Le Faye, Anne Frank, Claire Beauchamp and Jamie Fraser, Erwin Rommel, and so many more. If I had never stepped foot outside my doorway I have lived a wonderful life through the books I have been lfortunate enough to read.

Lucky me, however, that my adventures that often began on those pages were painted onto the canvas of the life I wake to every day. I have served in the Navy, traveled most of the United States, visted Spain, Portugal and Mexico; I've lived in Sicily, been snow skiing in Santa Fe and water skiing in the Mediteranean Ocean. I have been a legislative advocate for veterans, and spoke to Legislative committees on their behalf. I went on a three month and fourteen state camping trip with my eighteen month and eight year old sons. I have been friends with great pianists, composers, writers, and politicians ... and met other people who I believe will someday be famous. I have a family that defies any fiction an author can concieve, and they give me more joy than I can put into words.

My every waking day is an adventure.

I will be forty years old in July. I wasted a great many years wishing I could do what I had read about, then I chose to allow what I read about to lead me and empower me to live the life I want to live. Books are a wonderful thing. No movie can compare.

The only thing that comes close to the glory of a good book, is the wonderful delight in living a story of your own.

Good Stuff

Okay...
It's not tomorrow,
it's still today...lol.

I was puttering around the internet checking out some of my favorite sites, and decided I wanted to share one of them:

Kaleidoscope Painter

<---------I made this on the Kaleidescope site. :)

Our World is a Kaleidoscope
by Siir Kilkis
Turning a kaleidoscope,
Many wonders are seen.
Myriads of colors connecting,
Enriching one another,
Forming innovative patterns together.
All because diversity brings creativity.
(more of this poem here.)

I frequent a great many websites, probably too many. I absorb a lot of junk, and see a lot of useless information. The good news is that I also find a great many very neato spots. Sometimes it's places that teach me something, or inspire me, or make me laugh. Sometimes, like this little cool site, it's just some little diversion that relaxes me for a few. That sounds unimportant, but believe me... I know the true value of relaxation, and no matter how small and insignificant the catalyst might be, if it helps me unwind and forget the little things, then it is very worthwhile.

Check this neat little site out.

Oh!... and while I am on the topic of letting go of the little things... my very cool ex, Kerry Logan, once had a conversation with me in which he told me there were two rules, and only two rules, in life.

They are as follows:

Rule #1. Don't sweat the small... stuff.
(No he didn't say stuff... but this is a family site.)

Rule #2. Everything is small stuff.
Good rules, wherever you are today,

Kerry, if you ever read this ... thanks for the great lesson.

Rainy Days and Mondays

Well, it's been a day. I refuse to call it a bad day, because I had some good moments, and I have certainly had worse days. (The time my two year old tossed my car rental keys into the Mediterranean Ocean is one of them.)

David, poor sweetie, has allergies. Meds make him tired, so unless we have a good reason to believe there's something he might react to, we don't medicate him daily. So, here and there he ends up with itchy eyes, snuiffles, sinus flare-ups. These he can handle. He looks a terror, but he's able to function.

Once in awhile, however, he gets a headache. Sometimes it's a bad headache, and when he's lucky it stops there. Sometimes unfortunately it creeps right over into a mirgraine. He is then one miserable kid.

Today was one of those days.

I took him to work with me (no school... if you've ever had a migraine you know that wouldn't have worked.) and he slept on a cot all day. Meds didn't begin to touch it until after eight this evening.

I had plans to take him to the doctor, but I was alone at the doctor today waiting for the phone company to turn on a phone line and install DSL. I figured after they left we would still have time to go to the doctor. Of course the guy wasn't at the office until four pm, and by that time it was too late for the doctor. On the bright side, the technician was one of the friendliest most professional people I have met in a long time.

It was raining on the way home, pouring buckets of water so thick I could barely see. It's been raining so much lately we're having flooding issues. (Have I mentioned I live in New Mexico? In the desert? Where it rains very little??) My half hour drive became a one hour crawl. I'd whine, but it was the most relaxing part of my whole day. lol.

Arriving home I got to four wheel my way up the mud pit we call a driveway and then make three trips in the sludge to get my stuff into the house. The dogs were so grateful to see me when I let thier bedraggled bodies in. Have I mentioned they are big dogs? Huge digs? Big, wet, smelly, muddy, really to happy to see me dogs? Yeah. ::grins:: Am I not lucky to be loved?

I was sent a link today, for anyone who might be interested. It has pop-up ads, but if your blocker is on, they were tolerable, and the site was cool enough to visit dispite it. http://4momsathome.com

It has games, stuff for kids, recipes, printable stuff for coloring and decoraring, crafts, etc. I am not a stay at home mom, but I figure even working mom's have a right to enjoy some of this stuff. :)

Tomorrow I am going to run an ad for this sweet Dalmation. He's a dear, but my dogs are not happy with him and we have fighting too much. Someone will get hurt. Also on my list is getting David's hair cut, unless we do the Doctor thing.

Anyway, all this is boring I am sure. :) Unless you're me, then it's all paradise.

Ick Sick

What a day. What a week. We're finaly recovering from this dang virus, ('cpet I think Keri is getting sick now) and the weekend is here, but it is still nothing but work ahead of us. Keri had ROTC awards today... I couldn't make it because of timing, but I am sure she won something. :) She's like that. Logan ried out for and got the part of an extra in a movie that they are filiming here. The cool thing about his school is that they encourage kids to go to these auditions, and the time on the set counts as class time and a grade. David is still having trouble at the after school program. It is a county funded Community Center Recreation Program, and they know he has ADHD, but they don't care, and treat him bad. He's not allowed medication while he's there, but if his attention wanders they really give him hell. I get so frustrated. Brian is at work tonight. He is a Manager on Friday evenings at a Tavern in town. It's a little extra money, and it is also his night out. He gets to see all his friends, hear the music, and gets paid. And comes home sober. Patrick and Mitch don't arrive until the morning, Friday nights belong to thier mom.

I am desperately tying to find a home for this Dalmation, but so far I haven't been convinced anyone who came forward wants him for anything except to breed or sell him. Poor thing deserves better. If I wasn't already a zoo we'd just keep him.

The kittens go next...they are nearly ready, and soooo cute! I have never seen such a brave and friendly batch of kitties, they'll find homes easy.

Well... it's off to bed for me. Imma going to a baby shower in the morning, and I have no clue how I'll wake up at this point.

TTFN!

Anger has it's moments

I was talking to someone the other day about happiness and optimism, and he said "Well, I can't call myself an optimist, because I get mad about alot of things. I can't just walk around pretending nothing goes on wrong around me."

Well, of course that got me to thinking.

Does being optimistc mean you can't get angry about things? Does being happy mean you're an optimist?

Well, I looked up optimism in the AOL Research & Learn: Dictionary and found this:

Main Entry: op·ti·mismFunction: noun1 : a doctrine that this world is the best possible world 2 : an inclination to put the most favorable construction upon actions and events or to anticipate the best possible outcome.

By the first definition, my acquaintence could be correct. He tends to get angry because he doesn't percieve this world as being the best possible world. However, he does tend to believe that he can change things around him, make them better. He does believe that his rational anger can spur him to make a diference so that he can be a part of making the world into the best possible world.

Seems fairly optimistic to me. I mean, if his attitude was, "Yeah, I'm mad... but nothing I do is going to change things anyway, so it's not worth even trying..." then I'd say he would fall out of the threshold.

Beyond being an optimisc attitude, I'd call it responsible.

I myself have some fairly bad days. I get angry, I grieve, I rant and rave, and all the other bummer emotions that most people like to avoid. I still call myself an optimist because I don't give up the midst of that emotion. I know I'll get past it, and I look for ways to be happy. I suspect it's normal to be unhappy at times, but more healthy to look for the good rather than the bad.

Here is my happy poem for the day:

Stay Steadfast
Stay steadfast
Hold on and cling
To what is dear
Just do your thing.
Dwell not upon
A barren day
Nor let your thoughts
Another sway.
Each tranquil moment
Passes byIn fast array
And yet, don’t cry.
For though you’re Feeble,
weary, down
Always be
A painted clown.
For smiles and laughs
And cheers of thunder
Relinquish morbid
Thought’s asunder.
Remember:
hoard Each happy minute
Use the time
While you’re still in it.

-1982